Loving a Narcissist

Until a couple of years ago I don’t know what a narcissist was.

Now I do.

A narcissist will wrap you up in a web of lies of their own making until you question your beliefs and sanity.

A narcissist will cleverly work things to favour them, always making you look like the one in the wrong whilst they come up smelling of roses.

A narcissist will make you believe their truth to the point where you actually can’t see the truth.

It’s a shitty relationship to be in.

They generally start out lovely. They’re attentive and loving. Generous and fun.

And that’s just dandy – as long as everything is going their way.

When you go against what they want, whether that’s saying you’re going out with your friends that weekend or questioning why you don’t know the passwords to online banking, they will make out like you’re doing something wrong.

For example, not knowing the passwords is because, well, you know how forgetful you can be and it’s much safer to change them regularly so it’s fine hun, I’ll put it in for you – you don’t need to worry about it.

For example, you’re going out with your girlfriends? That’s a great idea. You go and have fun – you deserve it…. But you then get twenty text messages within the space of an hour and missed calls, because the bar was too busy to hear your phone, so you go outside to reply and then you’re made to feel guilty about being out whilst they’re at home all alone and so you bail on your mates and leave.

Money is another good one. Where once so generous, overly so, giving gifts, surprise meals out, beautiful flowers, even holidays, now it’s always about ‘watching the pennies’ and ‘tightening our belts’ except you seem to be doing both those things but the narcissist will carry on spending, being overly generous when out with their friends, buying themselves gifts – because they work hard and deserve it – and soon you can’t remember when was the last time you went out together.

The narcissist will start by being very genial. Always the life of the party – surrounded by friends. But soon you realise those people see them for the bullshitter they are, and soon you’re no longer invited to go out. You stay at home, no longer part of the fun.

The weird thing is, that the narcissist is easy to fall in love with, they can be so loving and thoughtful and caring. Maybe they prey on a certain sort who really relish that attention and care.

They can also be bloody clever, so when you call them up on something that’s set a small alarm bell off for you, they’re so goddamned plausible that it all seems perfectly reasonable and normal.

Your friends and family may well think your narcissist is wonderful. That they bring out the best in you, that they so clearly love you. This again reinforces the feeling that you’re going a bit mad. No one else sees the odd behaviour (and it’s unlikely you’ll tell anyone because, deep down, you know it’s not right) and so you question whether you’re over-reacting, making too much of something small.

A narcissist will very quickly take over your life.

What was once loving attentiveness becomes obsessive control.

What was once thoughtful actions becomes coercive behaviour.

The narcissist will slowly chip away at your confidence, strangely building you up – when it’s to do with themselves – but knocking you down on anything that isn’t.

They may go so far as to alienate you from friends and family. This starts of because they make you believe all you need is them – being as how they’re so wonderful and loving – but soon becomes a horridly vicious cycle because now you only have them. They’ve effectively cut you off from any support network you might have had. They’re also forcing you to rely on them even more.

A narcissist can be male or female. They don’t come with warning stickers however there are some ‘alarm bells’ to watch out for:

1. Their Words

Watch for both extremely positive and extremely negative words, about you or others.

2. Your Emotions

Now pay attention to your own emotions. How do you feel around the person?

3. Their Behaviour

Notice what they do, more than what they say. Narcissists have lots of words to distract from and make up for their insensitive behaviour. People constantly confront narcissists and constantly are frustrated. Rather than reflecting on their past behaviour, narcissists defend it and attack you for criticising them (“How dare you, after all I’ve done for you!”).

So just become aware of their behaviour, and ignore their words excusing or distracting from it.

If you spot any of these things, particularly in a romantic relationship, then run.

Run for the hills.

If you’re already in a relationship like this then please, please talk to your friends or family or anyone. Tell them what’s going on. The act of verbally getting out what you’re going through helps build strength. Strength you will need to leave. It is so hard to walk away from a narcissist because they have conditioned you to respond how they want you to.

Breaking that conditioning is tough.

But you can do it!

Think of whatever reason makes ending this relationship worth it to you and END IT.

If you’re still not sure on how to spot a narcissist please check out the following link.


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